A great comedy script (and the review)

One of the best scriptwriters blogs out there is definitely ScriptShadow. I'm a dedicated reader of this blog, and I often bother reading the scripts he recommends. I don't have time to read the bad scripts, but I know I should: reading a script that doesn't work is one of the best learning methods there is.

Script Shadow latest post is about The Escort, an excellent comedy script that got one of the best reviews I've read on the site. Of course this script is available on the site, so read the review, then read the script (or the other way around, not sure what's better actually).

hot topic: should ScriptShadow stop?

The community is on fire: a script analyst who owns a website called ScriptShadow publishes unproduced scripts online and writes an analysis. Wired Magazine and John August already posted articles against this habit of our secret guy.

I myself only discovered him after reading those articles. I find this website a real treasure, but I also understand the problems it creates. No writer would want an unfinished script of his to be published. And criticized!

But since the ones who are enjoying the site are not often the ones who are getting hurt by it - lets just have fun without thinking of the politics of it all.

Script Analysis: coverage for Benny and Joon

For my course at UCLA Extension I had to write a coverage for Benny and Joon. When writing coverage, you want to focus on 2-3 main issues, strengths or weaknesses of the script. You write a synopsis (1.5-2 pages) and comments (1 page). The comments include your opening paragraph, a paragraph on plot, on characterization, on dialoge (not a must) and a summary.

Writing Coverage: the opening paragraph

This should be 2-3 sentences that mention your overall feeling about the script, the premise and theme (and the execution), and audience appeal.

Writing Coverage: the plot paragraph

Here you mention structure, act breaks, turning points and climax. Also: how did the subplots added to the main storyline?

Writing Coverage: the characterization paragraph

The main character, the villain, the supporting characters. Did the protagonist's arc exist? Were the characters too flat? Too cute rather than dramatic? Not funny (if comedy)?

Writing Coverage: the dialogue paragraph

This paragraph is not a must, but be sure to include it if you have something to say: was the dialogue too simple? 'on the nose'? No subtext? Talking heads? Not witty or funny (if comedy)?

Don't forget to write your final paragraph. it shouldn't repeat the first paragraph, it should sum it all up and also mention what rewrite is needed (if relevant).

Here's my script coverage for Benny and Joon (the script is very different than the movie, especially the character of Sam (Johnny Depp) which was my biggest problem there).

Benny & Joon
Synopsis

Under a car in his "Auto Clinic" garage we meet BENNY PEARL (early thirties) as he makes sure all is ticking around him. Everybody's waiting for his word – the delivery man, a customer, and ERIC, his employee and friend. Benny is on top of it. After work Benny goes straight home, where he lives with his sister JUNE PEARL (late thirties). Before he enters the house he meets MRS. SMAIL, the housekeeper, who announces she's quitting her job because she can't handle June anymore. Benny begs her to stay, but her mind is set.

Benny calls Eric, to tell him he can't come to
their poker evening because June can't be left alone. We understand June has a
pyromania issue, and that Benny doesn't want her to be left alone in the house.
They decide June will come with Benny. During dinner (peanut butter with celery
for June, pasta for Benny) Benny asks June what happened with Mrs. Smail. June,
fluent with words, says she left the house alone and that she met people. Benny
doesn't take this easily, saying it's dangerous for her. He tells her she joins
him for poker. Later, at Eric's, Benny and the guys are playing cards "for
keeps": each player writes on a note what he bets on (a snorkel mask etc.) and
places the note in the pot.

Benny meets with Garvey, June's
doctor. Benny is looking for a new housekeeper for June, and Garvey tells him to
consider a group home. Benny refuses, saying he's June's family and they should
stay together. Garvey takes Benny to the group home to see how it is. The home
is a good place for the schizophrenics, as we learn June is. Even one of the
managers is schizophrenic. When Benny's on his way back home, he finds June in
the middle of the road, with a cop questioning her for making a commotion on the
road, wearing the snorkel mask Benny won in poker. Benny talks to the cop and
June is saved. Benny asks his poker friend THOMAS, who works in the psychiatric
hospital, to help him find a housekeeper, but this leads to no result. June
plays with fire at home (in her basement painting studio), and Benny again finds
her on the right moment.

June invites street friends to the house,
while Benny's at work. One of them enters Benny's room and injects June's
medication into Benny's fish bowl. When Benny finds his fish Steve floating on
his back, he thinks June did it. Benny visits the group home again, to sign June
in. He has one month before admittance to tell June about it. In another poker
evening at Eric's, June joins the game when Benny's not there. She loses, and
gets to keep SAM, the unwanted cousin of one of the poker guys who came to stay
with him. Benny tries to evade this, but June insists it was a fair game. Benny,
June and Sam drive home. Sam is obviously a different kind of a guy, with a kick
for Buster Keaton. When they stop for a bite on the way, Sam starts a one man
show, a combination of food and acrobatics, and entertains the entire
restaurant, including June. Benny is simply stunned. RUTHIE, the waitress, is
not at all amused by his games, but once Sam recognizes her as an actress from
an old film he loves – she starts to like him as well.

Sam gets
the sofa in June's studio. Benny informs him June is mentally ill. When Benny's
off to work, Sam stays with June, who makes him her peanut butter shake. They
are getting close, June seems to like Sam. When Benny returns, he finds dinner
is ready: Sam and June are in the kitchen, Sam irons cheese toasts. Later Benny
talks to Sam, offering him the housekeeper job, and Sam accepts it, surprised
that someone wants to hire him. Benny, June and Sam visit the deli where Ruthie
works again. Benny talks to Ruthie, they get closer. Benny speaks of Sam with
high appreciation: he thinks he should use his acrobatic talent and perform.
After Sam entertains a crowd on the street, Benny tells him he should do it more
professionally and "be something". June says Sam is already something. After the
four of them cook dinner together at home, Benny drives Ruthie back home. We
learn she's the building's manager. Benny enters her flat but leaves quickly.
Ruthie is disappointed, but they set to meet again.

Benny and
Ruthie go to a posh restaurant. Benny is a novice, can't even order the wine
properly. Still they have a good time and talk. Later in front of her building,
Ruthie invites Benny to come up. He refuses, says he must hurry home. Ruthie is
hurt, quickly leaves Benny's car. Meantime at the house, June and Sam put their
love into action. It's a very tender love making, and Sam tells June he loves
her. When they hear Benny arrives, June tells Sam not to tell him anything, and
hurries to her room.

Benny tries to build a career for Sam: he
talks to a customer who has a comedy club, and is excited by the thought of Sam
performing in places like LA. Benny organizes Sam a performance at the club's
amateur night. June is angry, fearing Sam's new career will take him away from
her. Benny goes over the material for the show with Sam. Sam is torn between
Benny and June. When Sam tells June he won't perform at the club, because he'd
rather work in the streets, June is thrilled. She then says they need to tell
Benny about their relationship, though she fears Benny will be mad at her. When
Benny wants to tell June about the group home, June and Sam try tell him about
their relationship. When Benny understands he gets furious. He kicks Sam out,
and June goes up to her room, crying. Benny confronts June, telling her she
can't love Sam because she's crazy. This makes June go mad, and she jumps on
Benny. They roll on the floor, and out of Benny's pocket the group home brochure
falls. June sees it, and enters a catatonic state. Doctor Garvey arrives to give
June mediation. June refuses to talk to Benny.

Benny goes to see
Ruthie at the deli. She is not at all surprised about June and Sam falling in
love. At home June is burning an old photograph of her and Benny, when suddenly
Sam calls her from the window, and they run away together. When they are on the
bus, the house starts to burn behind them. June is in a bad shape, hearing
voices, mumbling and pounding on her head. Sam tries to calm her down but can't.
The bus stops when an ambulance of the psychiatric service arrives to take June.
Benny arrives home, where the firemen are already on their work. He then goes to
the direction of the bus, trying to take June away from the doctors, but it's a
lost battle. He confronts Sam, who imitates Benny as the one who tries to
control June's lives.

June is put to a psychiatric hospital, where
Thomas works. Benny arrives there, tries to get her out, shouting madly at the
cold admitting nurse who calls the guard. The next day, Benny drives his car at
high speed. We see flash backs from the car accident in which he and June lost
their parents years back. Benny avoids a fatal accident in the last moment. He
goes to see Doctor Garvey, who tells him June wants to stay in the hospital and
doesn't want to talk to nobody. Benny is in bad shape. He goes to Ruthie's
apartment, looking for Sam and finds him there. Benny says he doesn't want to
run June's life for her anymore, and the three of them go to the hospital to try
and get her out.

At the hospital Benny manages to enter the sealed
corridor where June is kept, but then the orderly catches him, thinking him for
a patient. Thomas rescues Benny, and Benny stands outside June's room, talking
to her through the small window. June doesn't believe Benny when he says he'll
let her live in her own apartment. Benny tries to convince her that his
intentions are real, that he accepts her falling in love, and admits he has a
problem falling in love himself. June is not convinced, but then she sees
outside the window Sam, performing another Keaton's acrobatic trick for her.
Garvey arrives, and June says she wants to be released. After some persuasion
the doctor agrees, and June is released. She gets a flat in Ruthie's building,
where she moves in with Sam. When Benny comes to visit, he brings flowers to
both June and Ruthie, who now gives him a smile again.

Benny &
Joon
Comments

A controlling man and his schizophrenic sister -
this may seem like a dark and heavy subject. The way the author chose to deal
with it, however, makes the premise almost irrelevant, and in a twisted way the
film more appealing. The writer finds easy resolutions to difficult issues, thus
the drama feels a bit underdeveloped. But the theme of a man that must learn to
let go in order to live, though unoriginal, is only the background for the
encounters of eccentric characters, almost "out of this world", that make this
script unique and even exciting.

The author does not create the
required balance of screen time between plot and characterization, and the
conflicts are too easily resolved so there is no real sense of urgency. The
romantic subplot of Benny and Ruthie does not feel real and the way Ruthie
becomes the solution (a flat for June, chance for life for Benny) is
implausible. The second act evolves around the character of Sam, with the first
half focusing on "Sam heals the family" and the second half on "Benny builds Sam
a career", but the real drama – the one between Benny and June – ceases to exist
almost entirely, and again it feels like the author chose the easy way out. The
climax, however, brings Benny and June together again, while Sam is left outside
the room. After the second act this feels like a mistake, since the relationship
between Sam and June has taken a priority over June's relationship with her
brother.

The choice of the writer to prefer fantasy over drama goes
hand in hand with his choice of characters, while the author prefers "cute"
characters over dramatic ones. June's schizophrenia seems inconsistent, and
except for the scene on the bus she seems just like an intelligent,
over-sensitive person. Her mental illness becomes only helps in portraying her
as a different person. Same goes to Sam, who is described as a very eccentric
young man, a "free spirit" with a big mouth and a weird sense of humor. Sam is
the catalyst for some of the plot turns, but not really because he's doing much
– it's more because of his being. With June and Sam portrayed as quirky figures,
their resemblance hides the main conflict of the story, between Benny and
June.

The main problem is with the dialogue given to Sam, which
grabs most of the attention with his endless jokes that are not understandable
to anyone but him. Also at the climax, the dialogue between Benny and June is
too obvious, almost melodramatic.

This script suffers from
inconsistency in tone. The choice of fantasy over realism does save this script,
making it appealing for a larger audience, but it also causes problems to be
solved too easily. Some changes to the characters have to be made, after a
consideration on which is the main relationship in the story – Sam and June, or
Benny and June. Besides that, the author's unique voice is certainly a major
asset of this script.